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              ZEROFYING - DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE

                                 By Rahina Qureshi Hacioglu

( I can see myself using this brilliant technique with an impossible boss,
   a difficult colleague, or one of those students I have created into a 
   monster figure for myself. Ed.) 

You what?  Often when I have said: ‘zerofy him/her,’ I have had the strangest looks from those around me.  ‘That sounds drastic!” said one shocked person.  So let me define the term by way of  an anecdote.

I had serious communication problems  with a close relative some years back.  Let’s call this person Chris.  I could not just walk away (as was my way of dealing with difficult situations) because she was a relative.  Most aspects of our lives were linked through other members of the family.  The rest of the family simply tolerated this ‘obnoxious’ member.  For me such an attitude was not enough: it was either to be an honest relationship or no relationship at all.  However, as time passed, the situation became worse: even the sight of Chris would have my blood pressure shooting up.  Anything Chris said was wrong;  anything she did was wrong.

I could see that I was doing myself harm physically  and mentally.  It was exhausting, upsetting and also, standing back, I could see that I was blinded by something.  Every
time Chris appeared there was anger, frustration, irritation etc.

One day alone at home, far from this ‘enemy’ I decided that I had to make changes.  I was working as a teacher trainer.  My job required  me to be patient,  tolerant, open, constructive and so on.  Yet, in my private life with Chris, I was the exact opposite. I 
decided  it was time to do  something constructive mentally!

I pictured Chris in front of me.  The anger returned.  I broke it down, step by step questioning every preconceived notion I had of her.  Questioning my judgements of what she had done in the past.  Calming myself down at past events that upset me.

I cannot remember exactly how long the process took:  perhaps several hours spread
over a few days.  And the result?  Well in front of me stood not the horned Chris but an individual with horns and daggers removed.  I visualised Chris as no longer ‘proven guilty’ and condemned.  I saw someone I could possibly speak to.  Zerofication had taken place.

Consider a horizontal axis  with a zero in the middle and good and bad at each end:

BAD                                       ZERO                              GOOD

In my situation my relationship with Chris was on the extreme left.  What kept it there was a series of events and experiences with Chris and my own attitude/reaction to these.  As time went on, even good in Chris was construed as bad, pushing my view of
her more and more to the left resulting in more bitterness and anger.  By zerofying, I reversed the process by taking layer after layer of ‘bad’ off until I had reached the neutral point.  At this point I could build a healthy relationship with Chris without the preconceptions built over 20 years.  A fair point for anyone to start.  By neutralising, I gave Chris and myself a chance to try again in building a positive healthy relationship.

The next meeting with Chris was some months later.  I feared the old emotions would come back.  There stood Chris and there stood I and there stood……no there was no barrier on my part.  So there was space for movement:   for give and take.  Chris had not zerofied me but somehow the fact that I had zerofied her allowed for space to build/plant.

Of course she was suspicious of me at first.  I had changed and I was accused of being ‘up to something’.  It did not matter.  I knew what I was doing and I was sincere.

Now several years down the line my relationship with Chris is now one of the closest we both have.  We rely on each other, sharing feelings and ideas.  We argue but the result has always been constructive.  Most importantly, we trust and respect each other.  What more can one ask for?

Can you do it?  I have explained zerofication to a few people. Those who have tried it have found it helpful in handling relationships at work and at home.  Why not give it a try?

                          THE BASIC RECIPE FOR ZEROFICATION

1. 	Visualise person you wish to zerofy.
2. 	 Think of actions/words person has said.
3. 	 Break them down through questioning working towards trying to find reasons for 
     their behaviour using empathy, objectivity, and analysis.
4. 	Control any negative feelings/thoughts by calming yourself.
5. 	Continue for as long as you feel you can and carry on the procedure when you are 
     ready again.
6. 	Continue the procedure until you come to the point when you can think of the person without getting even a tingling of irritation/anger.
7. 	They are zerofied.
8. 	Now you are open to building up a healthier relationship with this person!

If you would like to discuss this process please do not hesitate to contact me.

Mrs Rahina Qureshi Hacioglu
rq.hacioglu@ntlworld.com