Finding My Own Voice and Accent

Ana Maria Ferreira Barcelos

Ana Maria F. Barcelos is a teacher of Applied Linguistics and English at Universidade Federal de Viçosa in Brazil. She is interested in beliefs about language learning and teaching. She has co-edited Beliefs about SLA: new research approaches with Paula Kalaja published by Kluwer/Sringer. Email: anamfb@ufv.br

“Courage is related to voice; it takes courage for some to express their voice.
Voice is the use of language to paint a picture of one’s reality, one’s experiences, one’s world.”

(Wink, 1997, p. 58)

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Introduction
Awakening moments: opportunities to challenge beliefs
Conclusion: speaking with my own voice and accent

Introduction

In this paper I examine my own beliefs about learning English as a foreign language and the process I undertook to change my belief about a native/foreign accent. In this self-examination process I try to understand the influence of some aspects of Brazilian society in my beliefs. I address one specific belief of Brazilian society that is part of the hidden context of English learning in Brazil. Such is the case of the general belief about pronunciation and accent. The general belief seems to be that we must speak English either with an American or a British accent.

This article draws insights from my thesis about the culture of learning English as a foreign language of Brazilian university students (Barcelos, 1995). My purpose is to reflect on how their culture of learning initiated the process of auto-analysis of my own assumptions and beliefs about my accent as non-native speaker of English. In other words, I started realizing that my voice as a researcher and as a teacher had been influenced by what I perceived as my students’ expectations and beliefs about themselves, about learning English in Brazil, and about their previous learning experiences. Similarly to my students, what I believe as a teacher of English is deeply rooted in the views present in Brazilian society of how one should teach and how a teacher of English should sound. Although these assertions were part of my thesis, only now I am able to fully comprehend the meaning of the little voices inside my head during the time I was a student of English, and later, as  a teacher of English. As Wolcott (1994) suggested, in qualitative studies, interpretation may come much later on. In the next sections I tell episodes from my own history where these assumptions were at play and how I think they influenced me.

Awakening moments: opportunities to challenge beliefs

As an undergraduate student of English in Brazil I began to notice the existence of my belief about accent when I first heard teachers and students talking about other teachers’ accents. Very often I could hear my classmates asking each other: “Is her English British or American?” or “Professor X has a British accent. He lived a long time in England, but professor Y speaks with an American accent.” At that time, this seemed very normal and logical to me. This seemed “right” or “good.” It was as if I were justifying to myself the fact that one had to have the accent of one of the target speaking countries, which in my mind, at that time, only referred to Britain or the USA.

During my years as a learner of English I can still remember my shyness and my fear of not sounding either “American” or “British”. I had classmates who had lived in one of these countries when they were teenagers or children and I could notice their different accent. To my ears they sounded “more beautiful”, they sounded “correct”. I thought I did not. These were my beliefs coloring my perceptions. And it seems that I was not the only one who thought that. Those students were most often praised by the teachers. I loved listening to those students and wanted so much to sound like them, but did not know what to do for that.

After I graduated I could see that this belief was everywhere, not only inside me or in the university environment. When you heard people talking about each other’s English you could see that having a “native-like pronunciation” was very valued. You had to sound different, you could not sound Brazilian. That was seen as a shame. Many times I felt ashamed of speaking in front of other Brazilian speakers of English because I was ashamed of my pronunciation and of how I sounded. I knew many teachers sounded “better” (but what is better in this case?) than I did. I felt frustrated and lonely. I did not try to sound different, yet I suffered because I did not sound like “them” (the Brazilian English teachers with a so called “native-like accent” – whatever that meant).

I started teaching English and despite my fears about my pronunciation I spoke English and I tried to improve every day. Still at times, I felt uncomfortable as a teacher, since to me, how could I be teaching English to other people if I did not have a native-like pronunciation or an American or a British accent? Those questions kept haunting me and, in a way, they still do. I never read other non-native speakers (NNS) writing about their own fears and problems (see Braine, 1999 for an exception). In the field of Applied Linguistics, it is common for native speakers (NS) to write about NNS, though the opposite is not really common. Fortunately, this is changing and there are many papers concerned with the voice of participants themselves and how teachers themselves can write about their own perspectives (See Bailey & Nunan, 1996).

The questions kept haunting me until the day I was confronted with my own belief. With the help of an American who was visiting Brazil, I was able, for the first time, to start questioning this belief that I had to have a “native-like” pronunciation. The following excerpt of our conversation which I still clearly remember today (after 16 years) shows this important moment in the development of my identity as a non-native speaker teacher:

Ana: I don’t have an American or a British accent.
Visitor: What’s wrong with a Brazilian accent?

I cannot describe how illuminating that moment was and how it opened up a new world to me. Although I could not at that time state in words, I knew his question helped me to start realizing how language and identity were related, how one could not ignore society in language teaching. In that very question was my whole life and the assumptions I had learned in a society where “sounding American or British” was important. That question also expressed one of the great questions in language teaching that we have to keep in mind: the relationship between language and culture, between language and identity. How to speak a foreign language and keep being ourselves? How does one sound speaking a foreign language?

Yet, I still could not avoid becoming frustrated from time to time with my “Brazilian accent.” I clearly remember one occasion when one student of mine mentioned that she could not understand another teacher but she could understand me “because of my Brazilian accent.” I could not avoid but feel sad by that statement. Because of my belief and the way things are in Brazilian society, having a Brazilian accent is equivalent to speaking bad English or not having perfect English or not being fluent in the language. This statement also suggests that students believe that if they do not understand what the other person is saying is because the person must have good English, whereas if they understand that person, they think that he or she does not speak fluently. A similar belief was also pointed out by Vianna (1993). In his study with university students he found that many of them believed that to know English means to be able to translate everything and fast. At that time, when I heard my student’s comment I only felt sorry for myself and out of place for being a teacher who did not have a “perfect English”. I felt inadequate but was not able to elaborate on that comment and to see that my students were repeating the cycle of beliefs. Worse, I had not realized at that point that as a language teacher, I often observed other teachers’ pronunciation and, influenced by this belief, commented (to myself) on their pronunciation. My beliefs influenced the way I perceived other teachers’ English. I was either admiring them for their “wonderful and perfect English pronunciation” or I was criticizing them for not sounding “American or British”. This was not a loud voice to myself (or maybe it was, but I could not hear it) probably because I was ashamed and afraid to hear it coming from myself. But it was still loud enough for me to feel uncomfortable with myself for having these thoughts crossing my mind. I was struggling with my own belief. Perhaps this is what we can call “reflection”.

As Pajares (1992) stated, it is not easy to get rid of our assumptions. So it was necessary another awakening moment that came with more reading and questioning the different ways of seeing reality for me to really grasp the meaning of what was happening to me. My second opportunity to start understanding my beliefs came during a conference of Applied Linguistics in Brazil in 1995 in which Jacob Mey talked about accent and identity. It then became clear to me that my accent was my identity - it belonged to me and to who I was. I could never deny it – not if I wanted to be myself. Since that time I started to have a clear perspective on the way I felt about my accent and why it felt so strong, why it touched me so deeply. This second awakening made me more conscious of this problem and made me able to see it and then opened up the possibility to reflect on it. As we all know it is difficult to see our everyday lives and actions because they go unnoticed for most of us (Erickson, 1986). 

I am also sure that if I had these beliefs as a student, it is likely that my own students may also feel that way. As a teacher, I have always been tuned to what my students had to say. I have always liked to listen to them and learn about the ways they talk about themselves, about teachers, and about their learning process. Thus, I could hear their voices, or I should say whispers, through their eyes, and faces that told me: “I feel inferior, I don’t want to try to speak because these students have lived abroad, they speak English better than me.” This was shown in their opinions about learning English in Brazil (Barcelos, 1995). Through their words, expressions, and ways of speaking they showed it was better to learn English abroad than in Brazil (I am not denying all the advantages of being in the target language-country. We know there are many). Probably this belief of learning English in the target language country was related to this other belief that a perfect native-like pronunciation would help them have more status as students and teachers, since this idea has a lot of symbolic value in Brazilian society.

Finally, a third awakening moment happened when I read what a Brazilian philosopher wrote about our own society. Up to now I had listened to other people from other countries helping me find that accent was part of my identity. However I had not been able to find a Brazilian intellectual talking about that. Fortunately, Paes (1996) was able to clearly show how this attitude was rooted in Brazilian society. According to Paes, we suffer from “Mazombismo Syndrome”. He explains that mazombo was the guy who was born in Brazil but who was nostalgic for not being European. He mentions a time when Brazilians read what France produced and saw everything as a French citizen. This was in the 19th century. The difference today is that they replaced Paris by Miami or New York, and French by English. Furthermore, Paes believes that to speak a language without any accent is a lack of character. “The accent is a lovely thing because it keeps one’s past and one’s history. And it can also have its charm...” (p. 8). Now, how could I believe this when I believed exactly the opposite - that I had to get rid of my accent? It was during the second time I visited the USA that I realized that native speakers can find foreigner’s accent charming (although only now I see that I was still seeking for the ‘native-speakers’ perspective or approval). I felt good when people would come up to me and say that I had I “charming accent.” Although I felt good about that, I did not always feel good after saying something to a person and they would ask me where I came from. It was not good to be spotted like that as a foreigner. Still there was the good side because people were not able to say what kind of accent that was. I quite liked that.

Even though by this time I had had three opportunities to confront my own belief, there were still times when interacting with Americans in the USA, that if somebody misunderstood what I had told them, I would immediately blame my accent. I do not reject my nationality, I am proud of being a Brazilian, but somehow blaming my accent is as if I were denying who I am. As Weddon (cited in Pierce, 1995, p. 15) explains: 

Language is the place where actual and possible forms of social organization and their likely social and political consequences are defined and contested. Yet it is also the place where our sense of ourselves, our subjectivity, is constructed. (my emphasis)

At times I felt that when people did not understand what I said it was because I was not speaking correctly. At other times I sought NS approval to my English, I longed for their compliments to my English. Somehow it seems that if a NS compliments you it is like your English is really good (another belief). Yet, I was also suspicious of their comments and at times I thought they were not being sincere to me. Most of all, on top of all of that, this belief made me anxious when speaking in front of other Brazilians the most. I do not know why but this seems to be fairly common to other people as Pierce (1995) related on how one of her Peruvian participant felt most uncomfortable speaking English in front of Peruvians who spoke English fluently. 

After so many awakening moments, the old belief started to slowly fade away. As I learned more about the relationship between my beliefs and Brazilian society, my accent and my identity, and my role as a teacher and researcher I became more aware of myself and understood that language learning issues are intrinsically related to society and to its cherished beliefs.

Conclusion: speaking with my own voice and accent

This article was an attempt to come to grips with my own beliefs and start my struggle to live with my contradictions and construct my identity as a non-native speaker of English teacher and researcher. As Pierce (1995) explained:

...when language learners speak, they are not only exchanging information with target language speakers but they are constantly organizing and reorganizing a sense of who they are and how they relate to the social world. Thus an investment in the target language is also an investment in a learner’s own social identity, an identity which is constantly changing across time and space. (p. 18)

This brief paper on my continuing journey to find my own identity and voice (and accent) as a non-native language teacher shows a glimpse of some of the struggles non-native teachers may experience. It also suggests an instance of the continuum of belief change, indicating that this change is not a once-for-all kind of change. Instead, belief change comprises several stages or phases in which reflection plays a crucial role. It is through reflection and reasoning triggered by one’s experiences and interactions with others and with the environment that belief starts to change. As such, this report suggests that one does not “possess” or “hold” beliefs, but rather “lives with”, “interacts with” their own beliefs.

In short, I can say that I have now found my own voice and my own accent and have also welcomed my identity as a Brazilian speaker of English, or rather, to use the common term nowadays – a language user (Cook, 1999). I feel that now I am a different kind of teacher and researcher, one who accepts herself and is able to talk frankly with students and others about this (this paper is living proof of that). This was the result of a long reflective process in which persistence, patience, acceptance, and courage played fundamental roles. I hope this report can encourage others to do so.

References

Barcelos, A. M. F. (1995). A cultura de aprender língua estrangeira (inglês) de alunos de Letras [The culture of learning a foreign language (English) of Language students]. Unpublished master’s thesis, UNICAMP, São Paulo, Brazil.

Bailey, K.M.; Nunan, D. (1996) (Eds.). Voices from the language classroom, Cambridge University Press.

Braine, G. (Ed.) (1999). Non-native educators in English language teaching. Mahwah, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum.

Cook, V. (1999). Going beyond the native speaker in language teaching. TESOL Quarterly, 33(2), 185-209.

Erickson, F. (1986). Qualitative methods in research on teaching. In M. C. Wittrock (Ed.), Handbook of research on teaching (pp. 119-161). New York: Macmillan.

Paes, J.P. (1996). Interview to the Brazilian magazine VEJA in April 3, 1996. Available at http://www.paubrasil.com.br/paes/paes_entrevista1.html
Retrieved on June 21, 2003

Pajares, F. M. (1992). Teachers’ beliefs and educational research: Cleaning up a messy construct. Review of Educational Research, 62(3), 307-332.

Peirce, B. N. (1995). Social identity, investment, and language learning. TESOL Quarterly, 29(1), 9-31.

Vianna, N. (1993). Deconstructing myths. Unpublished manuscript. Federal University of Uberlândia, MG, Brasil.

Wolcott, H. F. (1994). Transforming qualitative data: Description, analysis, interpretation. Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage.

Wink, J. (1997). Critical pedagogy: Notes from the real world. New York: Longman.

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