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Big Brother
by
Chris Sion

Chris Sion
Burg. Waszinkstraat 71
6417 CV Heerlen
The Netherlands

E-mail: ckfksion@worldonline.nl

I’ve often felt that the measure of a well-integrated class is reflected in the members’ willingness to accept new students.  That the more cohesive the group, the warmer the welcome to strangers.   Call me old-fashioned or idealistic but as a teacher I try to foster tolerance in class, guide students to work together even with classmates they are not drawn to and go out of my way to create a harmonious learning environment.

By contrast, the recent rage of “Big Brother” television programmes seem to be fostering intolerance and discord by focusing who should be excluded.  Notwithstanding that no one is obliged to take part, the notion of expelling “the weakest links” instead of supporting them, is such anathema to me that I found myself imagining what the effects would be of approaching E.F.L. the same way.

The first “Big Brother” English course took place at an isolated farmhouse on a hill in a desolate area of one of the home counties.  We are unable to disclose the exact location for security reasons and the participants’ names and nationalities have been altered to protect their identities.  The course, a very, very intensive, lasted for 12 days, from Monday morning to the following Friday afternoon.

Following the style of the television programmes, every day the students expelled one member of the class.  It is not my intention to describe how communicative their conditionals became.  I only want to share the sequence of expulsions.

The first to go, on the Monday morning, was Ronald for saying, “If I would have £1,000,000…”  Twice.   The evaluation lasted over two hours as the group couldn’t agree whether to exclude him for grammar or greed.

On Tuesday it was Yoko’s turn to go, ostensibly for chewing gum too loudly, actually because she never offered it around.

Wednesday saw the demise of Christine for talking too much and never letting the others get a word in edgeways, either in her own language or in English.

On Thursday, Paul was voted out.  His offence was not talking enough.  The class was upset by his silence and found it particularly unnerving that he seemed to be listening so closely.

On Friday, Pamela had to leave, which she did in a flood of tears.  The students, at least what was left of them, were all of the opinion that she never listened to what they were saying.

It was Sonia’s turn to leave on Saturday, after she had commented, “You are learn me very good”, once too often.  It was deemed she was too obsequious, although I thought her message was clear enough.

Six down, six to go.  The next to leave was Arthur.  The remaining women felt that he had too often cast his vote for men to leave and that this was discriminatory.  His attitude was confirmed when he timidly suggested he thought it was not altogether fair that when the “Titanic” was sinking, women were offered places in the lifeboats before men.

What a way to spend a weekend.  When Monday morning dawned it was Manuel who was no longer wanted.  It was his lisp that let him down.  The students who voted him out insisted it had nothing to do with his being left-handed, his sexual orientation or his ethnic origins.

Maria committed a two-fold crime and it was her turn to be rejected on Tuesday.  First, for not having done her homework and second, for saying, “Thank you for the feedback” when she was reproached.

This left Cathy, Fred and Robert.  Cathy and Robert had a soft spot for each other, which was reason enough for Fred to depart.  Nothing personal. As the course neared its climax, Robert and Cathy enlisted my help as they couldn’t reciprocally vote each other out.

I ditched Robert for only asking questions to which he already knows the answers, so Cathy was technically the winner, even though I can’t read her handwriting and she bites her nails.  But the course still wasn’t over.  The small print decreed a choice had to be made between her and me.

We discussed it at length and concluded that she should remain.  I could not counter her argument that a teacher without students cannot teach, whereas a student without a teacher is still able to learn.

I packed my briefcase and left the classroom.  She’s right, a teacher without students is a non-entity.  Let her learn alone then.  As if I care.  As if I hadn’t seen the obscene gesture in her farewell smile.  Listen, Cathy, don’t call me if you’ve got a question.  Good luck and good riddance.

The first “Big Brother” E.F.L. course was an unqualified success.  The potential number of student language errors decreased consistently throughout the twelve-day period and incidents of interpersonal friction between participants continued to drop until the final day.  The students developed social awareness skills and learned to work together efficiently in their decision making.  A new course is being planned for the spring.  Put your name down today.  You can leave the course whenever you don’t want to.

12th March, 2001

(Approx. 850 words.)