Therapeutic Grammar

Monica Hoogstad, UK

Monica Hoogstad is a freelance Business English and Legal English teacher, with eighteen years experience in ELT. She is particularly keen on coaching Advanced Learners. Her current interests are NLP and Multiple Intelligences, the cognitive function of metaphor, and teaching while having fun (and the other way around). E-mail:monicahoogstad@yahoo.co.uk

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Introduction
Activities
Conclusion
References

Introduction

Learners' reactions to Conditional Clauses have always reminded me of the Venetian Ponte dei Sospiri. When 17^th-century convicts were sent to prison, they'd pass through the bridge to reach the cells on the other side. They'd catch a glimpse of the beautiful lagoon, which would most probably be the last view of freedom they'd ever get. This would make them sigh in despair and disbelief. Not very much unlike the bang-your-head-against-a-wall urge my students experience when the slightest hint to conditionals is made.

Hold your horses, don't prepare the stake and strike the match just yet! Let me first assure you that there's no trace of teacher prescriptivism or any kind of sermonising in my Business English classes whatsoever. But having said that and being aware that truth will out eventually, I feel this is the right moment to come out of the closet and confess I do tackle grammar issues in class. While I'm tempted to call Amnesty International every time I come across grammar exposés, parsing and fill-in-the-blanks-with-the-correct-tense tasks, I don't favour an a priori discard of grammar either. And by grammar I understand not so much a set of unquestionable precepts governing the combination of elements of a language, but rather a discipline where genuine communication and the function of language hold a central position.

Instead of wagging a pedagogical finger and revelling in explicit theories around conditional categories and exceptions, I try to view everything from a lexical and – even more importantly – from a humanistic perspective. The following activities attempt to exorcise students' IF-Clause demons through the therapeutic function of laughter: sharing fun helps people connect and allows them to fully express their personalities.

Activities

Activity 1

This activity can be done after you've addressed a few intercultural communication issues, such as the importance of cultural awareness for business success, cultural clash, business etiquette, cultural pitfalls, notorious cultural blunders, dos and don'ts.

• Announce you're going to play a guessing game involving cultural awareness.
• Prepare a set of cards containing names of countries, areas or cultures you've discussed recently (e.g., Poland, Singapore, the US; or Middle-East, Western Europe, Eastern Europe; or Far-Eastern cultures, Islamic cultures, Latin cultures) and place them face down on the table.
• The students are going to role-play a decision-making meeting where the prospects of expanding business over border are discussed. The chairperson picks up a card, reads it out loud, and the members start their debate. The rule for each member is to use conditional clauses as often as possible.
• For instance, assuming that the card reads Japan, one might expect to hear:

If I were to attempt to do business in Japan, I'd make sure to send over a senior negotiator.

If my potential business partner offered me his business card, I'd accept it with both hands, make a deep bow, and definitely not tuck it in my lapel pocket within the next five minutes.

If I were having preliminary talks with my potential business partner, I wouldn't get down to the nitty-gritty straightaway. I'd first accept a cup of tea and would definitely take a sip, no matter how hot the tea were.

If I met my business partner, whom I knew well, I would avoid asking him how his wife and children were doing.

If I were giving a presentation to a Japanese audience, I wouldn't be offended to see that a few of them were dozing during my carefully prepared PowerPoint slideshow.

If my Japanese business partner invited me for dinner, I wouldn't start eating before my host did and I wouldn't continue eating after he finished.

If I were invited to my Japanese business partner's house, I would take my shoes off as soon as I entered.

If my Japanese business partner were taken ill, I would visit him at the hospital and take along some flowers, but would make sure they weren't potted.

• After this subject is exhausted, another card is chosen and the process goes on until a decision has been reached.
• If you want to add a competitive edge, award points for correctly used conditionals and for accurate cultural information.

Activity 2

This activity is great fun, as it probes students' general knowledge, wit, sense of humour, originality, dramatic propensities, and … conditionals.

• Announce you're going to play a game requiring Thespian qualities.
• Prepare two sets of cards, one containing questions, like Why did the chicken cross the road? or anything equally silly; the other one containing the names of famous people and characters (e.g., Capt. Jean-Luc Picard, Juliet, Oliver Hardy, George Bush, Osama Bin-Laden, Frank Sinatra, Marilyn Monroe, Michael Jackson, Muhammad Ali, John McEnroe, Bill Clinton, J.F. Kennedy, Fred Flintstone, Fidel Castro).
• Each student picks up two or three cards, reads the names, and tries to answer the question by putting themselves in that person's shoes, i.e., adopting points of view and mannerisms that made them famous, paraphrasing quotes or songs, impersonating them wherever possible. And, of course, by using conditional clauses. To continue the competition streak, you could award points for wit and correct use of conditionals.
• When you select the name cards, choose those ones that are likely to appeal to your students and to match their educational background. The object of the game is not to make it too difficult for them to come up with a witty reply, but to encourage them to do so within their general knowledge boundaries. The activity can get them roar with laughter, but only if you manage to adapt it to each level.
• Here follow a few examples, just to give you an idea. It might seem hard at a first glance, but it's worth a try. Anything for a bit of fun!

If I were Karl Marx, I'd say that it was a historical inevitability.
If I were Albert Einstein, I'd tell you that whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends entirely upon your frame of reference.
If I were Buddha, I'd reply: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.
If I were Charles Darwin, I'd be certain it was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
If I were Goethe, I'd maintain that the eternal hen-principle made him do it.
If I were Ernest Hemingway, I'd know he did it to die. In the rain.
If I were Ronald Reagan, I'd ask: What was the question again? I forgot.
If I were the Sphinx, I'd say while staring into distance: You tell me.
If I were Mark Twain, I'd reply that the news of his crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
If I were Lao-tse, I'd reply: If I told you, it would prove I don't know.
If I were Nikola Tesla, I'd whisper that it was a part of a secret experiment in wireless chicken transmission.
If I were M. C. Escher, I'd ask: Are you sure he really crossed it? Look again!
If I were Isaac Newton, I'd try to demonstrate that for that one crossing, there is an equal and opposite crossing occurring simultaneously.
If I were Richard Nixon, I'd look you straight in the eyes and say: Whatever he did, the chicken is not a crook.
If I were Martin Luther King, Jr., I'd have a dream about a world where all chickens would be free to cross the road without having their motives called into question.
If I were Grampa Simpson, I'd keep whining that in my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
If I were Fox Mulder, the 'X Files' investigator, I'd plead that you saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
If I were Sigmund Freud, I'd argue that the fact that you're concerned about a chicken crossing a road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

Conclusion

What we still have to come to terms with is the revelation that it's not grammar that prescribes communication, but it's lexis and pragmatics that ultimately determine grammar. Since it has been established that learners acquire language through social interaction, teachers can foster that by means of meaningful classroom activities placing students in situations which help them internalise grammar structures as chunks rather than by memorising rules. Such activities are designed to enhance their self-esteem, to address various types of intelligences, to increase empathy amongst participants, and to bring them closer to their inner selves. Who said grammar can't tick all these boxes? If I were Michael Lewis …

References

Chicken jokes at fusionanomaly.net/whydidthechickencrosstheroad.html

Essential business culture guides for the international traveller at www.executiveplanet.com

Guest, M., 2001, The Return of the 'G' Word, English Teachers in Japan, vol.2, no.2.

Patterson, N., 1999, The Role of Grammar in the Language Arts Curriculum, at www.msu.edu/user/patter90/grammar.htm

Yamasaki, S., Yamasaki, T., 1999, The role of affect in language learning with implications for teaching in Japan, Exploration in Teacher Education, vol.7, no.2.

Please check the Fun, Laughter and Learning course at Pilgrims website.
Please check the Creative Methodology for the Classroom course at Pilgrims website.