Humanising Language Teaching
Year 4; Issue 4; July 02

In an earlier issue of HLT we published a joke about a US war ship in the North Atlantic. What I did not know at the time was that this was based on an actual radio conversation between U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln and the Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland. The radio conversation was released by the chief of naval operations on 10/10/95 as authorised by the US Freedom of Information Act.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

U.S.S Abraham Lincoln: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No, I say again, divert YOUR course.

U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN , THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH…. I SAY AGAIN….THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH….OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP!!

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

The driver brings his truck up to the door of this posh public school.
In fact he stops right out side the Headmaster's office.
He dumps his load of sand right there.

The Head comes out and says, in plummy voice:

" Could one perhaps move this stuff?"

" Yes, one could, but it'd be quicker with two of us on the job!"

The scene is a gold-mine in the far North of Russia. There are three people in the little office: a policeman, an Inuit worker, a Russian- Inuit interpreter

Policeman: Ask him where he's hidden the gold.

Interpreter:(after talking to the worker) he says he has no gold.

Policeman: Tell him I'll shoot him if he does not give up the gold.

The worker throws up his hands and, with tears in his eyes, says:

" Tell him I buried it under my igloo."

Policemen: What's the bastard saying?

Interpreter: (shrugging his shoulders) He says " Ok, so shoot me!"

What do you call a Scouser* in a suit?

The accused!

* Scouser= Liverpudlian

This guy from Sao Paulo goes to Lisbon. It's Friday and he wants to buy a book but does not have enough money on him. He asks in the hotel:
" Will the shops close tomorrow?"
" No", he was told.

Next day he goes to three or four bookshops and finds them all closed. Back in the hotel he remonstrates with the receptionist:

" You told me the shops here would not shut on Saturday."

" Of course I did. They shut on Friday evening !"

A CHRISTIAN:
You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbour.
A SOCIALIST:
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbour.
A REPUBLICAN:
You have two cows. Your neighbour has none. So what? A DEMOCRAT:
You have two cows. Your neighbour has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbour. You feel righteous.
A COMMUNIST:
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
FASCIST:
You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
MEXICAN CORPORATION:
You think you have two cows, but you don't know what a cow looks like. You take a nap.
A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for storing them for others.
A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You worship them.

THE END.

The teacher was getting to know the kids.
"What does your father do Johnny?"
" He's a train driver, Miss."
"And what does your father do Sammy?"
" He's dead, Miss."
"Oh, and what did he do before he died?"
" He clutched his throat and fell off his chair!"

You know some one actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen.
It said" PARKING FINE "

" Lord, " said the man, " how long is a million years to you?"

" In heaven a million years is like a minute."

" Lord, how much is a million dollars to you?"

" To me, a million dollars is like penny."

" Let's see, Lord, could you give me a penny?"

" Yes, my son, in a minute!"

My first job was in an orange juice factory , but I got canned,….couldn't concentrate…

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the chop.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it… mainly because it was a pretty so-so job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but it was too exhausting.

I tried to be a chef – figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn't have the thyme.

My best job was being a musician but I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have enough patience.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried, but I just didn't fit in.

I went out on the trawlers, but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian, until I realised there was no future in it.

My last job was working in a coffee shop but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

So I retired and find I do the job to perfection.

The Washington Post asked readers to change a letter in a word of their choice and to offer a new definition: Here are a few that were sent in:

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the listener who does not get it.

Inoculatte: to take coffee intravenously

Glibido: all talk and no action.

Ignoranus: a person who's stupid and an asshole.

Again from the readers of the Washington Post:

Flabbergasted: appalled at how much weight you have gained.

Negligent: when you open the front door in your nightie, without noticing.

Lymph: to walk with a lisp.

Frisbatarianism: the belief that, when you die, your soul flies up on the roof and gets stuck there.