Humanising Language Teaching
Year 2; Issue 5; September 2000

A pot-pourri

These jokes have been sent in by HLT subscribers or offered by people who came on Pilgrims TT courses in July -August 2000.

Please send us jokes that belong to your culture, to your region, to regions that tell jokes about yours, to the culture of professions you know; there are plenty of jokes the police and doctors and teachers tell about the rest of the world.

Catalan fridges

" Why are fridges in Catalonia not fitted with lights inside? "

" Well, it's obvious… no Catalan could bring himself to believe that when you close the door the lights really do go off!"

Little Johnny jokes

Teacher: "Why are you late?"

Little Johnny : " because of the sign."

Teacher: " What sign?"

Little Johnny: " The one that says School ahead- go slow. That's just what I did. "

Teacher: " Johnny, give me a sentence with 'I'."

Little Johnny: " I is……"

Teacher: " No, Little Johnny, always say 'I am' "

Little Johnny: " I am the ninth letter of the alphabet!"

Little Johnny : " Would you punish me for something I didn't do? "

Teacher: " Course not "

Little Johnny: " Well, I didn't do my homework "

The Rabbi, the Pastor and the Roman Priest

These three are discussing how they deal with money collected from their believers.

The rabbi explains that he chalks a small circle in the synagogue yard, throws the money in the air and takes the money that falls outside the circle. The inner money is for Jehovah.

The pastor says his method is different. He chalks a line across the churchyard. When he throws the collection in the air what lands to the left of the line is his and to right is God's.

The Roman priest shakes his head at what the other two have said. " Brethren, your methods show that you do not have faith in the infinite power of the Lord. I throw the coins up in the air and the Good Lord takes those he wants. Whatever is left falls to earth and is mine."

St Peter and the man who lost his memory

St Peter is dozing at the Gates to Heaven when he sees an old man hobbling towards him.

" What's your name, my good man?" goes the Saint.

" I don't remember, I've lost my memory.. I can't remember anything at all "

" Right then," says Peter, " Ill try and help you: these questions may jog your memory: Did you have a job? "

" Yes, yes, I did "

" Did you work with your hands or your head?

" Hands "

" Did you work with iron, glass, wood….?"

" WOOD! Yes, I think I was a carpenter."

" Did you have a family?

" I think I had a son but I had some problems with him at some stage "

" Right," thinks St Peter, " an old man, a carpenter and a problem son. I know who he is."

He goes over to Jesus and says:

" Listen, Lord, I think your Dad has arrived."

Jesus comes to the Gate of Heaven , overwhelmed to see the old man and shouts:

" Dad".

The old man holds out his arms:

" Pinocchio!"

The mad Cow joke

Two cows meet in the middle of a field:

" Hey, aren't you worried about that mad cow disease business?"

" I'm not bothered, I'm a duck!"

The flat battery
( the French word of 'battery' is ' des piles', pronounced like the English word 'peel' )

This smart, middle-aged lady had been learning English in Paris for over a year, a year of evening classes and homework assiduously done.

She had a friend who lived in small village in the Home Counties and so she went to spend a week at her place. While there, her radio batteries went flat she went to local post office-cum-village shop to replace them.

As she entered the shop she could not find the English word for " des piles" so she decided to try and get by by saying the French word but with her very best English pronunciation:

" Excuse me, Mister, but do you have piles?"

She could not see, at first, why he changed colour and looked angry! ( True story )

What do you have?

Some Oslo people were driving along a deserted road far up in the North of Norway. They were getting peckish when they came to a small house with the sign " café" hanging outside.

They rushed into the place and were met by an old lady, just standing quietly behind the desk;

" We want some 4 lunches "

" We don't have lunches "

" What about sandwiches?"

" We don't have sandwiches"

" Look here, what do you have?"