Humanising Language Teaching
Getting Married in a Hurry
This American guy and his beautiful girl-friend rush in to see the vicar: " We want to get married . Here are all our papers, and these two people are our witnesses. Can you do a quick service?"
The vicar is amused. He marries the two young people, pockets his fee and asks: " Isn't there a proverb….. something about not marrying in haste… Why are you two in such a hurry?
Dragging his bride after him, the young man rushes out into the street:
" We double parked!"
Two nuns were visiting London and have come to watch the changing of the guard at Buckingham Palace. They notice that the two guardsmen march smartly towards each other, come within a yard of each other and then both do an about-turn and march off again. One of the two sisters gets as near to the guardsmen's meeting point as she can and says:
" Come on lads, be reasonable. Shake hands with each other and make it up! "
God is everywhere
A young priest, tempted by the sins of the flesh, is with a call girl. Unable to contain his emotion he shouts out:
" Ahhhh, my daughter , the Lord is with us "
" In that case you pay double!"
The dead woman had left behind a husband and a lover. The two were sitting together on the same pew and the lover was sobbing his heart out. The husband put a hand on the other man's shoulder, to comfort him:
" You're taking it too hard, Hector, you see…. I'll likely as not get married again!"
Praying for what you want
This is the prayer that a Catholic girl said, kneeling in front of the statue of the Madonna:
" You who conceived without sin, let me sin without conceiving! "
The missionary found his way through the jungle blocked by a tiger. The priest fell to his knees and began to say his last prayers. He was amazed when he saw the tiger on his knees too.
" Dear Brother, I feared my last hour was come. Marvellous that you are with me in praising the Lord."
" Don't interrupt. I'm saying grace!"
The Eternal Father was talking to Jesus Christ:
" I have reflected deeply, my son, and I have decided that you should return to the world of men to once again offer them the chance of salvation."
" Again? "
" Yes, my son you must go down there again. You will be there for thirty three years and not a day longer."
Next day Jesus went down to earth to do his father's bidding.
The years passed, twenty, thirty, forty , fifty and there was no sign of Jesus in Heaven.
When eighty three years had passed Jesus stumbled into God the Father's presence. He was old and bent.
" What happened my son?"
" What happened? They played a real mean trick on me. They had abolished the death penalty and they sent me to jail for 50 years!"
" God is everywhere, absolutely everywhere," the old priest told the little boy, who thought about this for a moment and then grabbed a half-open matchbox that was lying on the table, snapped it shut and shouted in triumph
( The Italian jokes in this issue were taken from La Barzelletta anticlericale, Danilo Aquisti, published by Roberto Napoleone.