The US has just elected the first Jewish woman President.
The president elect rings her Mum and invites her to come to Washington for her inauguration. Her mother complains that she can't come on that date as she has a a hairdressing appointment. Her daughter wins her over by sending Airforce One to pick her up.
The great day has come and the mother is sitting with the other VIP's. waiting for the ceremony to start. She turns to the ambassador sitting next to her:
See that woman up there,- she's my daughter. But I've got a son and ………..he's a doctor!"

Tony Blair: Do you have 20 p you could lend me? I need to phone a friend."

Gordon Brown: Here's 40 p- you can ring all your friends!.

Student: I don't think I deserved a zero on this assignment
Teacher: Well, I agree with you but it's the lowest grade I can give you.

This widow went to a medium because she wanted to talk to her dead husband.
It was dark in the room and then a weak voice came through:

Marta, is that you?
It's me Benjamin, how are you?
I'm very well Marta.
Is the place you are on a beautiful one?
Marvellous, fantastic out-of-this world. The sky is indescribably blue and there are flowers everywhere…. and then if you could see the cows… white ones, brown ones,black and white ones.
But Benjamin I didn't know there were cows in heaven!
In Heaven? who said anything about heaven? I'm a bull and I'm roaming the Argentinian Pampas!

Many,many years ago, the Good Lord decided to heap good things on a pathetic little man called Helveticus. He realised the Helveticus craved for a land all of his own.

Where would you like this land to be? asked the Good Lord.

I'd like to see it tucked in between France, Austria and Italy.

Well, yes, said God, I'll give you green and mountains, snow and flowers. Anything else you'd like?

Yes, I'd like a few large, healthy cows.

And God gave him plenty cows.

Good Lord, could you throw in a bit of milk with the cows?

All you have to is milk them and get more milk then you can use.

So Helveticus milked a whole bucket of milk and offered the Lord a brimming glass.

Thank you Helveticus, really good, thank you.

You're welcome… it only comes to 1 franc 25!