From Eats Shites and Leaves
Crap English and how to use it

Upper secondary adult
A. Parody, Michael O'Mara Books Ltd, 2004

[Editorial note: you might find this book useful with an advanced classes who need a bit of language fun.]

P. 118 Is there a language doctor in the house?

The patient has no past history of suicides.
The patient left hospital feeling much better, except for her original complaints. .
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. .
The patient refused an autopsy. .
Comes to the Emergency Department complaining of vaginal breathing. .
The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1996. .
When he fainted his eyes rolled around the room. .
He is numb from his toes down. .
Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities. .
Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

P.135 Foreign Exchange

Many words in English are open to misinterpretation, particularly by non-native speakers.

Allotment - full of meaning
Autocue - traffic jam
Avoidable - what a matador tries to do
Barbecue - waiting in line for a haircut
Burglarise - what a crook sees with
Contest - exam with rigged questions
Dilate - live long
Enema - not a friend
Fortunate - consumption of expensive meal
Heroes - what a guy in a boat does
Nitrate - cheaper than day rate
Relief - what trees do in Spring

P. 102 Howlers seen in shop windows

Open seven days a week and week-ends.
Broken lenses duplicated here.
Rare, out-of-print and non-existent books.
Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get a an extra pair to take home , too.
Same-day cleaning. All garments ready in 48 hours.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for 10 dollars.
Used cars. Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first.

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