Poems for Teachers
Michael Swan
Michael Swan writes English language teaching and reference materials. His publications include Practical English Usage (OUP), Grammar (OUP), and, with Catherine Walter, The Good Grammar Book (OUP), How English Works (OUP) and the Cambridge English Course series. He also writes poetry, especially when he should be concentrating on something else. His collection “When they come for you” is published by Grogmore Press. For details of how to order, contact
E-mail: swanmic@googlemail.com
LECTURE NOTES 1
The people sit and listen.
The speaker stands and speaks.
Outside, the raindrops glisten.
The minutes stretch to weeks.
© Michael Swan 2006
LECTURE NOTES 2
The words chug along
one after another.
There are first-class words
and second-class words.
They are all clean and comfortable.
Sometimes they stop
and an idea
gets in or out.
But not very often.
© Michael Swan 2006
LECTURE NOTES 3
Sitting
through an appalling
three-hour sermon
on the Doctrine of Free Will
Leonardo sketched in his mind
the geometry
of the Virgin of the Rocks.
Beethoven
used a tedious lecture
on the history of the flute
to work out the scherzo
of the Second Symphony.
All I achieved
in an hour
on Interactive Language Testing
was a note
that we need to buy fishfood.
© Michael Swan 2006
THE LINGUIST
'Please forgive me,'
he said in Welsh
'for not speaking your language well.'
They cheered him to the echo.
'Excuse my ignorance
of your subtle and elegant idiom,'
he said in Japanese
to the welcoming committee.
They were lost in admiration.
'I am embarrassed
at my poor command of Icelandic,'
he confessed
to deafening applause.
'Be so good
as to make allowances
for my lack of fluency.'
The Manchurian delegation
was spellbound.
'Please forgive me,'
he said to his wife
'for my frequent absences.'
She did not appear to understand.
© Michael Swan 2006
A COUPLE OF ADJECTIVES
‘A couple of adjectives
now and then
never hurt anyone,’
said my friend the poet.
‘I can take them
or leave them alone.’
Look at him now,
his thesaurus
tilted to his lips,
sprawling
in the clamorous,
coruscating,
many-textured,
odoriferous,
indifferent
gutter.
© Michael Swan 2006
SEMINAR 1
It seems that the world
can be divided
into seventy-nine categories
and our relationship with it
into nineteen categories
giving in all
fifteen hundred and one
intersections.
Where are you in all this, baby?
© Michael Swan 2006
SEMINAR 2
On the southbound carriageway
of our minds
he drives north at high speed.
© Michael Swan 2006
DRAMA COURSE
Since the chief's son
came back from the drama course at the British Council
it has all been different.
Today
when Ramahoa climbed a tree
and knocked down a coconut
there was a depth of commitment
that I had not seen before.
What does it mean
after all
to catch a fish?
To catch a fish is nothing.
But with total concentration
not to catch a fish –
that is something else.
The dynamics of group encounter
have given us
a rich field of study.
Marita is pregnant again
and Talanatu is having a nervous reconstruction.
I myself
have had several moments of unusual intensity
in the washhouse.
Breathing is very important.
Did you know that?
When Siree
was bitten by a snake
she produced
a perfect little cameo of body expression.
This morning
we all wore masks at breakfast
then we mimed many activities
using only a small stick
and later we learned to walk.
It was very rewarding.
Larana verbalises too much.
I think I shall do trust exercises with him near the river.
© Michael Swan 2006
MEDITATION IN A LECTURE ON PRAGMATICS
May your glass of water
transmute
to sulphuric acid.
May your little spectacles
spontaneously combust.
May your trousers fall down
revealing
improbably erotic underwear.
May bats fly out of your mouth
in search of nourishment.
May your hidden lusts
appear in graphic form
on the screen behind you.
May the lectern grow feet
and scuttle away.
May the OHP
take you by the throat
and shake you
till your dry balls rattle.
May the microphone
modulate your drone
add guitar backing
boost the bass to maximum
and feed it
at 200 decibels
up your backside.
May the audience turn to vultures
hop on to the stage
and rend you
with great curved beaks.
And (in conclusion)
may your unmarked grave
disappear for ever
buried
in the blessedly silent sands.
© Michael Swan 2006
THIS LECTURER SHOULD NOT BE BRED FROM
If you were potatoes
you would be the Irish famine.
If you were the M1
you would be a 500-vehicle pile-up.
If you were a dictator
you would be alone, in exile.
If you were a toilet
you would be permanently blocked.
If you were a submarine
you would be at the South Col, and climbing.
If you were a city
you would be Pompeii.
If you were Satan
Hell would be empty.
If you were a grand piano
chickens would be nesting in you.
If you knew a little more
you would be pig-ignorant.
Do the decent thing, why don’t you
and shut up.
© Michael Swan 2006
SPELLING IS VERY IMPORTANT
Spelling is very important,
the speaker explained.
I could not agree more.
Necessary is correct.
So are separate,
mortgage,
polite,
work,
obey
and holiday at the seaside.
Haert is not correct.
Lov is wrong.
Dispair, weap, hugg,
the majik of a kis ¬
these get no marks.
© Michael Swan 2006
Please check the Creative Writing course at Pilgrims website.
Please check the Skills of Teacher Training course at Pilgrims website.
Please check the Expert Teacher course at Pilgrims website.
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